Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): The Review of Destiny

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,  directed by Jonathan Liebesman, and produced by Michael Bay, is a low point for a franchise that has recently experienced a wonderful revival in comics and animation. The live-action/CGI film is plagued by poorly-fleshed-out villains, questionable character designs, an inconsistent tone, useless human characters, Will Arnett staring at Megan Fox's ass for a cheap gag in the middle of an intense action sequence (don't act like you weren't expecting that), obvious rewrites, numerous plot-holes, a lackluster tie-in rap song, awkward direction (including some of the most pointless shaky cam this side of Man of Steel), a Baxter Stockman cameo that I totally missed, and possibly the stupidest take on the characters' origin I have ever seen.

I didn't hate it.

Okay, I know I'm supposed to despise this film. As I stated above, there are many things about the new TMNT movie that suck, and I'm not going to try to convince you that they don't suck.

But... those Turtles.

Yes, they're too towering and bulky to be effective agents of stealth. Yes, they have those terrifying nostrils that are surely the portals to hell. But, they are still the Ninja Turtles that I know. Leo is still the dedicated leader. Donnie is still the computer whiz. Mikey is a total goof, and Raph will still throw you against the wall if you give him that dirty stare. Splinter has that weird Fu Manchu mustache, but you can still call him dad.

This movie may have not been good by traditional standards of quality, but whenever the "heroes in a half-shell" were in the film, they lit up the screen. The movie's greatest crime was waiting too long to give us the Turtles. We spend the first twenty or so minutes (I didn't time it), watching April O'Neill wandering around and... I don't even remember what she was doing. As many people feared, Megan Fox's performance is a bit wooden, but I can't give her the full blame for the movie's first act. At the beginning, April O'Neill seems to be the only part of the film that takes the idea of talking turtles with ninja weapons seriously. Every other part of the movie seems to be asking you, "isn't the idea of Ninja Turtles ridiculous?" As someone who has totally bought into the concept, this barrage of audience-winking really pissed me off.

Once the Ninja Turtles become a visible presence, the film starts to embrace its surreal premise. With my favorite characters stepping onto center stage, I began to feel something that resembled fun. I mentioned earlier in this review how the take on the heroes' origin rubbed me the wrong the way. I didn't think the Turtles needed to be connected to April's childhood, and I was almost certain that Kung Fu Hustle deconstructed the idea of learning martial arts from a book ten years ago. With those complaints out of the way, I actually enjoyed the montage of the Turtles as little kids. The fact that the heroes were little tykes not too long ago made it much easier to believe that they were teenagers in the present.

The filmmakers were wise enough to make sure the Turtles' famous brotherly dynamic made it into the film, with the climax containing two fairly touching moments of sibling bonding. We also get a thrilling chase scene down a snowy mountain; the sequence has an edge over any of the action scenes in the Transformers movies, because I actually have an emotional attachment to the CGI characters falling down the hill.

Speaking of the Transformers series and their infamous maestro, I guess I should say how I think this film compares to Michael Bay's magnum crapus. My verdict: the new Ninja Turtles movie has plenty of flaws, but it's not the face-to-palm adhesive that six hours of robot testicles, indistinguishable robots, and Sam's annoying parents is. I've seen some reviewers mention that they would have rather just gone all out on Bay and have him direct the Turtles as well. However, I do not take that same position. When I think back to those Transformers sequels (I actually like the first film), I don't remember them as being "so bad, they were good." Dogs humping on the Witwickys' lawn wasn't so bad, it was good. The racist twin robots weren't so bad, they were good. Ken Jeong assaulting Shia LaBeouf in the bathroom was not so bad, it was good. These things were just bad, a steaming pile of crap that caused me to cringe until I couldn't cringe no more. In many ways, Ninja Turtles is also a pile of crap, but there are a few diamonds hiding in the pile of crap, those diamonds being the titular characters.

If you've never cared for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, then this movie will do nothing to change your mind. If you actually have a soul and love the reptillian warriors of the night, then you should still wait to rent the film. I'd be lying if I said it was worth today's rising ticket prices.

But, fuck it. The movie has Ninja Turtles in it. I love Ninja Turtles. Deal with it.

This review is dedicated to Robert Matthew Van Winkle, better known by his stage name, Vanilla Ice. Yes, I know he isn't dead, but good movie theme songs are. "Shell-Shocked" my ass.

A Note To The People Doing... Death Note

It's summertime , and as has been the case with the past few years, I've been using the time between school years to watch a bit of the Japanimation. Recently, I decided to finally finish one of the most popular animes from the 2000s, that being the story of the preppy kid who picked up a magic notebook and decided to murder a shit-ton of criminals: Death Note.

I really enjoyed Death Note. It had suspense, a brilliant rivalry in the form of Light vs. L, and potato chips! 

Since the anime is now eight years old, I assumed that I was the only one paying attention to it in the last month, but I'm not! Hollywood has been looking at it, too! That's right; Warner Bros is trying to get a live-action adaptation of Death Note into theaters, with Gus Van Sant, director of Good Will Hunting and Milk, set to direct. Over the past decade, Hollywood has struggled to make movies based on anime and manga. Speed Racer flopped, but I liked it. Dragonball Evolution never happened, and Pacific Rim was not an Evangelion adaptation. The American Death Note move has been in the pipeline for several years. Shane Black was supposed to direct the film, but he left the project to work on a new Predator flick, so the studio has decided to hire Van Sant in his place.

However, the U.S. isn't the first country to make a live-action film based on Death Note. The manga received a series of live-action films in its home country back in 2006, around the same time the anime was released. I've never seen the Japanese films, but from what I've heard, the anime was a bit better. As someone who hasn't watched the previous live-action incarnation of Death Note, I can't really make any serious judgements about the films, but I may have a few stray observations to bring up in this blog post.

Okay, Hollywood. Go ahead. Make Death Note. However, I'm going to leave you a few tips on how to make a good Death Note movie. Take them or leave them; you'll probably have no idea this article exists. But, if miracles happen, and you come across my blog, get ready, because I'm about to do your job for you.

1. Show Us The Shinigami

In an interview that occurred when Shane Black was still set to direct Death Note, the Iron Man 3 helmer mentioned that the studio wanted him to remove the shinigami from his live-action adaptation. Black refused to include this change in his version of the film, and for that, I have to give him a round of applause. However, he is no longer involved in the film, and I have no idea how much Gus Van Sant agrees with Warner Bros's shinigami-hate.

I suppose it's not impossible to do Death Note without the shinigami. Half of the time, the character of Ryuk serves as little more than an observer, a character who stands by just to note how interesting humans are. But, to chop out the shinigami would detract from the original work's thematic content. One of the most fascinating parts of the show for me was that moment when I realized that Light was more terrifying than Ryuk. Meanwhile, the discussions between Light and Ryuk helped to unveil the former's motivations and philosophy. And, what about Rem? She was a better character than her human counterpart (more on that later)! The shinigami do their parts to advance the story, but their simple, lingering presence is, in many ways, just as valuable for building up the world of Death Note. To remove them would result in a loss of the series's appeal.

But, goddamit! GET THE EFFECTS RIGHT! AND, DON'T CHEAP OUT ON THE CASTING! YOUR LEADS WILL PROBABLY BE SOME UNKNOWNS, SO FOR RYUK, TREAT YOURSELF TO SOME SERKIS!

2. Don't Sanitize Our Protagonists

Studio execs, don't try to hide your merchandising plans. We all know that if this movie gets made, you will be flooding Hot Topic with buttons that have Light and L's boy-band-ish faces on them. What's that, reader? You think the studio won't try to pretty L up? That's funny. Look what Japan did with their live-action Death Note:

Yeah, it looks like they picked those actors out of the same Calvin Klein East catalogue, or whatever the hell one orders skinny jeans from in Japan. Granted, Light should be a bit of a pretty boy, fitting in with his clean-cut image, but L? He's supposed to look like this:

Yeah, I know the anime character had his share of fangirls, but still, his eyes are pretty creepy. I can guarantee you that Hollywood will, like the Japanese filmmakers, try to make the protagonists as attractive as possible, and I fear such efforts will extend to the characters' personalities.

Let's not do that, Warner Bros. Death Note succeeds because it doesn't quite fit into conventional media standards of morality. It features a protagonist, who believes in a certain ideal of justice, but who is also a psychopath with a major God complex. There is a hero antagonist, who uses rather unethical methods to catch killers, because he has fun with it. I don't want Light as written by some fangirl, who thought he was really cute. I don't want a spin-off movie about what an awesome hero L is.  I want the epic rivalry between a self-righteous madman and a nihilistic defender of the law.

3. Misa Amane... She Could Use Some Fixing

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it: Misa Amane was the worst character of Death Note. Her whiny, one-note personality didn't jive with the moody tone of the anime she was dropped into. She had greater power than Light himself, but her personality was basically equal to Amy Rose.

And, I know fanboys have a hissy fit whenever you try to throw some commentary about gender politics or anything socially relevant into a talk about the stuff they like, but I can't help but fear that a bit of sexism was at work when Death Note was written. For the first third of the series, there are no significant female characters, save for the wife of the cop who Light killed, herself offed pretty quickly. Then, we finally get a young lady in the main cast, and her defining trait is how much she wants to get married and have babies with the protagonist. Put down your pitchforks, nerds. I'm not saying the series isn't great; I'm just saying it doesn't belong in the feminist literary canon.

You might be wondering why I want Misa to be "fixed" rather than removed from the storyline, considering how much I seem to loathe the character. Well, I think she is deeply flawed, but I don't think she can't be saved. You can keep her love for Light, but tone down the submissiveness a bit. Make her a bit smarter, a worthy ally to Kira, rather than just his willing minion. Get creative, screenwriters.

4. Don't Drag This Out Longer Than You Need To

Hollywood, you like money. I get it; who doesn't like money? And, if you have a potential cash cow, you have to go ahead and milk that cash cow. That's why every movie seems to have a sequel hook these days. And, I'm sure if the first Death Note movie is a hit, you're going to want to build a huge franchise out of it, but I'm going to set some limits: when Kira's reign ends, you're done. I don't want anything set in the world of Death Note, which isn't part of that central conflict that you found in the manga and anime. I don't care if it's one movie or two movies. I don't care if you go Near or no-Near. But, I sure as hell don't want to see Death Note Generations: Kira Reborn. There are many who think the anime went on for too long after... that thing that happened about two thirds in. I thought they kept it interesting for the most part, but it's obvious that Death Note isn't a meant to be a James Bond-style mega-franchise. There is only so much of Light Yagami's madness that we can take before we just get bored. Finish Death Note on a high note. You can drag the crap out of an anime adaptation when you get around to that inevitable Naruto film, Hollywood.

Five Reasons Captain America: The Winter Soldier is Awesome, and You Should Watch it Now

I saw the new Captain America movie today, and it was awesome. No, really awesome, not just awesome based on the principle of "it's Captain America; it's cool." This film is easily one of, if not, the best movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Contested only by The Avengers and the first Iron Man movie, the film is a shining example of how to make a great picture in this movie world.

Why is the movie so awesome? Let me tell you why.

1. Cap Makes the Shared Continuity his Bitch.

I don't think Marvel Studios have ever made a bad movie. But, they haven't all been fantastic.

Because Fox still has the movie rights! Ba-bump-bump!

Much of the trouble that came with the phase one films can be attributed to the struggle of building up to The Avengers. Thankfully, that movie turned out awesome, but I can't help but feel that some of those previous movies would have been better without pausing to advertise that big movie in which all of the characters would get together.

But, as Avengers taught us, having these heroes exist in the same universe can be a pretty cool thing. Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. are present in the movie for the sake of this film's story, not just to advertise another movie. The very structure of S.H.I.E.L.D. is at the center of the film's narrative, a high-octane spy thriller, with Cap as the super-spy. And, while the film does plant the seeds for the next Avengers, it is very much Cap's movie. Hell, the end of the movie feels more like a lead-in to the recently-announced Captain America 3 than it feels like a lead-in to Age of Ultron.

2. A Strong, Consistent Tone

Most of the Marvel Studios productions have had a fairly light-hearted tone. Yes, danger happens, but at the end of the day, things usually turn out pretty happy. There are plenty of jokes, and the action is colorful and triumphant. I don't mind more light-hearted superhero films; frankly, I prefer them to this:

Never forgive. Never forget. Fuck you, Pa Kent.

But sometimes, I feel that the movies get a bit too light-hearted and jokey, to the point where the lighter tone hinders the films' attempts to build genuine tension. I thought Iron Man 3 was a fine film, but the light and dark tones didn't always mesh well together.

The Winter Soldier is probably the darkest film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It definitely has a sense of humor, but like Batman Begins, the jokes never mess up the seriousness of the plot. This is a tense, exciting film, with some genuine heartache that we don't see in a lot of summer blockbusters. I was more emotionally invested in this film than I was in any other Marvel movie.

3. The Action is Phenomenal.

An action movie with a story is always something to get excited about. We're so conditioned to seeing dumb, mindless action films that when one has a strong plot and characters, those are the things we focus on. We forget how important action is to an action movie.

The Winter Soldier has a great story, but the directors also didn't forget to throw in some brilliant action scenes. Cap's battles with the Winter Soldier and other adversaries are thrilling, but the supporting characters also get some great moments. After spending most of his time in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, standing around and issuing commands, Nick Fury gets a brilliant car chase. Supporting players Black Widow and The Falcon also get time to shine in their own action sequences. It all starts with a thrilling cruiser infiltration that reminded me just a tiny bit of the Tanker chapter in Metal Gear Solid 2.

I'd also love to talk about this game's influence on Catching Fire.

4. A Solid Supporting Cast.

One of the greatest strengths of the original Captain America film was Cap's supporting characters. The Winter Soldier continues this tradition. Instead of relying on one hero to carry the film, the movie gives us some wonderful supporting heroes. Nick Fury gets the most character development he has ever received since he was introduced into the Cinematic Universe. The film also builds upon the character of Natasha Romanoff a.k.a. The Black Widow, whose relationship with Rogers is a refreshing break from the generic Hollywood romance; the film has no problem with making these characters "just friends." It's also startling to see how Johansson's character has evolved from one-note side character to fully-realized individual since she was introduced in Iron Man 2 four years ago.

A strong addition to the cast is Anthony Mackie's Sam Wilson, whose high-flying action scenes are a worthy part of the film's spectacle. I also really enjoyed that character's bond with fellow soldier, Steve Rogers. Robert Redford gives a wonderful performance as Alexander Pierce, a character whom I can't really talk about without letting a few spoilers slip out in the next sentence. And, last but not least...

5. This Fucking Guy...

The Marvel Cinematic Universe has always struggled to produce compelling super villains. The Iron Man movies did okay with their bad guys, but we never quite got an antagonist with charisma to match Tony Stark. Obviously, everybody loves Loki, but the second Thor movie had to follow him up with Malekith, a villain whose most notable characteristic was how unbelievably bland he was.

He was unforgettably forgettable. How the hell do I explain that one?

The Winter Soldier is a man of few words. Seriously, I had a feeling this guy was mute for most of the movie. But, his physical presence proves to be much more effective than a million of your standard villain monologues. Every minute he's on screen, you're prepared for shit to go down. He is the most ruthless character we've seen yet in a Marvel Studios movie, a person of mass destruction, whose physicality and raw strength test Steve Rogers to the limit. The filmmakers decided to take a page from Loki's book and actually give the Winter Soldier a meaningful connection to our hero. The result is a character who can give us both the chills and the feels in a single moment.

I could go on for another five pages about what a boss this character is, but how about you go to see the movie for yourself, instead? I guarantee you'll find the most excitement there has been in a superhero movie since The Avengers.

Genndy Tartakovsky's Hellboy: The Cartoon That Needs To Exist

It's hard to believe that Hellboy has been in comics for a full twenty years. It feels like just yesterday that the first issue hit the comic stands. Except it doesn't, because I was a baby when that happened. But, Mike Mignola's demonic anti-hero has been one of my favorite heroes since 2008, when the trailer for the second movie caught my eyes. After watching the films, I went through the early volumes of the comics and have been a fan ever since. But, one question is on my mind:

Why isn't there a Hellboy animated series?

Yes, there were two animated films released between the live-action films. I watched Sword of Storms and thought it was pretty cool. But, two direct-to-video films isn't big enough for the ever-expanding madness of Mignola's world. I want a television series, and I know who would be perfect for such an undertaking. This guy:

That there is Genndy Tartakovsky. If you don't know who he is, let me explain in pictures.

You should really check out the last one, by the way

Tartakovsky is a modern titan of American animation. One of the pioneers behind Cartoon Network, he has since left to work at Sony Pictures Animation. His first film was Hotel Transylvania, which I haven't seen, but I heard it wasn't the worst thing Adam Sandler's been involved with (although, that's not saying much). Now, he is set to direct a sequel to that film, along with a Popeye movie, and an original project of his own creation.

So, Tartakovsky has made the transition into film, and... that's nice. It's nice! I'm glad those suits in the movie industry are recognizing this man's raw talent, but at the same time, HE MUST BE THE ONE WHO WILL CREATE A HELLBOY SHOW. Here are three reasons:

1. He would nail the short stories.

Hellboy comics can be divided into two categories: those that are part of the massive, ongoing arc, and the smaller, self-contained tales. While "Seed of Destruction" and "Wake the Devil" were a wonderful introduction to the character's comic adventures, I didn't become a true Hellboy fanboy until The Chained Coffin and Others. For some reason, the one-shots and the short stories connected with me in ways that the multi-issue arcs did not, at least not initially. To me, Hellboy's greatest appeal is just being able to open up a one-shot and enjoy it without any worries of continuity.

Tartakovsky's Samurai Jack is a masterpiece of self-contained storytelling. He said "no" to serial storytelling and "yes" to stories that would wrap up within one episode. Yes, there was always that lingering  plot thread of Jack trying to get back to the past and defeat Aku, but most of the time, that goal played second fiddle to whatever situation Jack found himself in, whatever odd characters he encountered in that specific episode. You could jump into any episode of Samurai Jack, without having seen any of the other episodes, and still have a good time. I want to see that style of storytelling in a Hellboy cartoon.

2. He would unleash the weird.

Hellboy exists in a world where a demonic special agent in a trench coat is far from the strangest thing in existence. The comics embrace all kinds of monsters, various folk tales, and multiple mythologies. You never know what to expect in a Hellboy comic.

And now, we return to Samurai Jack. If some shows go by a monster-of-the-week formula, Samurai Jack was a genre-of-the-week show. One week, you might find a Kurosawa-inspired samurai tale, but in the next, you'll be looking at an underwater, sci-fi adventure. In one episode Jack dealt with gangsters, and in another he went to a haunted house. Like Mignola, Tartakovsky experimented with a wide array of mythologies.

If Tartakovsky directs a Hellboy animated series, he won't try to down down the craziness; he will embrace it. He could bring the same mish-mash of cultural influences he brought to Samurai Jack, a mish-mash similar to the one Mignola brings to Hellboy.

3. He has a strong grasp on atmosphere.

Many animation directors tend to load up their shows with dialogue, seeing how many jokes they can cram into twenty minutes. There are plenty cases where this works wonderfully, but there is also merit in being able to let the animation speak for itself. Tartakovsky lets the animation speak for itself.

There have been episodes of Samurai Jack that felt more like silent films, and in one episode, I'm pretty sure there wasn't even dialogue. His take on Clone Wars also had some powerful, dialogue-light moments. He uses silence to create moody scenes unlike anything else in American animation.

If there's one thing a Hellboy cartoon needs, it is atmosphere. We need someone who can create the spooky tone that defines Hellboy's journey through the darkness of the human imagination. Tartakovsky proved that he could do creepy in that haunted house episode of Samurai Jack. Hellboy isn't a property that needs a ton of conversation; the hero himself is the strong, silent type. Under Tartakovsky's direction, we could get a cartoon that capture the darkness of the comic book even better than the movies.

So... why doesn't this exist yet?

Why We Don't Need A New Season of Heroes

Hey, did you hear? Heroes is back!

Yep, that show we loved in the first season and then waited for to get better in the following seasons is returning to NBC in 2015 as a thirteen-episode mini-series, titled Heroes: Reborn. As of now, we barely know anything about this follow-up series. Is it a sequel? Prequel? Alternate universe? Are any of the old cast members coming back? Is it going to be all new characters? Episodic? Serial? What the hell were Sylar's actual powers?

With each season, the original Heroes dipped deeper in the ratings until NBC finally got to the end of season four and said, "screw it. These heroes aren't saving the network." As for me, I actually watched every season, and I don't think it was all shit after the Volume One. Yes, Volume Three: "Villains" was a clusterf**k of retcons, but Volume Four got better. And, I don't care what anyone says; I liked when they went to the carnival. So, you might be thinking that I'm in love with the idea of this new mini-series.

Plot Twist! No, I'm not.

Now, I'm not saying this couldn't be good. In fact, I'd love to see this new show turn out awesome. As someone, who was a fan of the series, I think it would be really nice if this new follow-up restores the property's season one glory.

Nonetheless, NBC's decision to bring back Heroes baffles me. Here's why:

It's Been a Damn Long Time

This mini-series is airing in 2015. The original show ended in 2010. That's five years. When the show ended, I was a sophomore in high school. When the min-series begins, I may very well be a senior in college. A kid who was born when the original show ended can now wipe his own ass.

Now, obviously, certain pop culture franchises have made comebacks from longer hiatuses. Batman Begins struck theaters eight years after Batman and Robin, and successfully brought the film series back from the dead. But, Heroes isn't Batman. Batman is an icon of our pop culture. Sooner or later, the Dark Knight was bound to return. But, Heroes had one well-received season with a climax that disappointed most viewers, plus three other seasons that just didn't hit a chord with audiences.

I don't think Heroes ever truly reached the status of pop culture monument. It started strong, then fizzled out, and has not remained very strong in the public conscience since then. Even my fondest memories of the show are a bit fuzzy at this point. And, while we're talking about this passage of time...

The Bar For Genre Television Has Been Raised

When Heroes was on television, there weren't many drama shows on television dealing with high-concept material. Fantasy and science-fiction weren't that big in prime time, so Heroes might have been the nerdiest show you could watch on a weekly basis.

But, while Heroes went into more comic booky material than your average television drama, it often felt to me that the show was trying to downplay the fantastic. Nobody ran around in tights. There was a bit of hesitation for anyone to use their powers. The show basically said, "let's make superheroes with less of that superhero-iness."

Come 2014, my favorite show on television is one that contains dragons, murderous ice zombies, and a boy who can possess a wolf. Game of Thrones, like Heroes, has tried to make the fantastic grounded, but whereas Heroes interpreted that task as cutting down on the things that makes us love the genre, Game of Thrones says we can keep the fantasy elements and enhance them with wonderful characterization.

I know that Game of Thrones doesn't always shows the dragons, but I recognize that as a mere budgetary limitation. GoT appeals to people who rarely watch fantasy, but it doesn't pander to their supposed needs. With Heroes, I felt like they were just watering down the superhero elements to please all the normal folks. And, about that...

Turns Out General Audiences Do Like Over-The-Top Superheroes

Whenever someone would ask Tim Kring about the clear similarities between X-Men and Heroes, he would say, "oh, yeah. I've actually never checked out X-Men. I guess it's a coincidence." Yes, a coincidence. Because a team of writers that included an actual writer from Marvel Comics had no familiarity with one of the biggest brands in American superheroes, one that already had three financially successful Hollywood films by the time Heroes appeared on television.

Cutting the bull crap, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it: Heroes was a toned-down version of X-Men; it took the superpowers, while removing the flashiness of superhero comics. Back in the day, there was a notion that if you wanted the common viewer to get into superheroes, you would have to remove some of the color. Even the X-Men themselves were toned down on the silver screen; Brian Singer gave them those infamous leather jackets, since he didn't think people would buy super-people running around in costumes covering every color of the rainbow.

In 2012, Brian Singer was proven dead-wrong. The Avengers became the third highest-grossing film of all time, and it had all the splashes of color you'd find in the comic book. The movie revealed that people actually like their superheroes a bit flashy; in a way, over-the-top costumes define superheroes just as much as any superpower.

And, while we're talking about flashiness...

The Show Never Actually Figured Out What It Was

Okay, remember the things I said about Heroes trying to make the superhero genre more "grounded"? Turns out it wasn't even that good at it. It started out fairly subtle, you know, with that "whole we-got-powers-how-we-gonna-go-about-with-regular-life" crap. But, as the show progressed, everything got a little bit goofier. Conspiracies were revealed. Characters who didn't have powers before now had powers. Mohinder became an insect man. And, it all ended at a carnival of super-people. So, subtlety flew out of the window like Nathan Petrelli.

When NBC brings Heroes back, which Heroes are they gonna bring back? Are they going to bring back the drama about people discovering their powers, or are they going to bring back bargain bin X-Men without the costumes?

Season One was the show that people actually watched, so it would make sense to recover that tone. But, so much craziness happened in the following seasons, I wonder if it's even possible to go back to basics. And, that's fine because...

The Show Ended At Exactly The Right Point

When Heroes was cancelled in 2010, the producers entertained the notion of a follow-up TV movie to give the series some closure. And, I said, "to hell with that. I got all the closure I needed." Yes, we got that title card for an extra season that never happened, but remove that, and I think the show's final moment was perfect.

What separated Heroes from X-Men was that in X-Men, the whole world knows about them super-folks, and in Heroes, the super-people were unknown. The show chronicled the world of superpowers before they reached the public awareness. When Claire Bennett jumped off that ferris wheel and quickly recovered in front of the television news crew, that world ended.

So, maybe, it wasn't a great ending in the popular sense of "everybody lives happily ever after." But, it wrapped up the world that Heroes was exploring. Anything that would come after would be... not very different from X-Men at all.

Whether I like it or not, Heroes is coming back. Since this Reborn series is happening, I might as well just wait and see how good it turns out. But, if it ends up being pointless, I told you so.

My Five Favorite Superhero Cartoons

When people ask me what I want to do for a living, I usually tell them I want to write cartoons. Honestly, I've never been completely sure what I wanted to do when I grew up, but writing cartoons seems as accurate as anything. I always wanted to write stories for some entertainment medium, and there are few things I like better than animation.

There are also few things I like better than superhero stories. Good superhero stories. Preferably stories in which Pa Kent isn't some sociopath who tells young Clark not to save people.

Never letting this one go.

So, obviously I've enjoyed a few superhero cartoons in my lifetime. But, my affection for them is based on more than the principle of "two great tastes that taste great together." Animation seems particularly appropriate for the superhero genre. As characters, superheroes are heavily dependent on visual appeal, which is why they are most popular in comics and film, as opposed to prose. People want to see the heroes in their colorful costumes, not just imagine them. In most cases, superheroes are also expected to display their special powers. With a cartoon, you can show a guy in a multi-colored spandex suit throwing fireballs out of his hands, and a viewer will buy it, since it meshes perfectly with the world.

But, I haven't watched every superhero cartoon that ever existed; I'm not magic. And, I can't say every single one I watched was a masterpiece, but there have been some that I absolutely loved. So, sit back, and let me take you through my top five favorite superhero cartoons in no particular order.

Batman: The Animated Series

Of course, this one is on my list. It's on EVERYONE'S list. But, sometimes things become immensely popular for a reason, and this definitely applies to Batman: TAS.

Bruce Timm's original animated series is much like another beloved cartoon, Samurai Jack, in its approach to storytelling. Rather than building massive, long-running story arcs, these cartoons acted as collections of short films, self-contained stories that you could enjoy without a deep knowledge of the series mythology. The Batman cartoon assumes that you already know the basic gist of the Batman origin story and throws you right into the action of the current episode. With every new film incarnation of a superhero feeling an obligation to retell the origin story, it's refreshing for a show to trust its audience with such knowledge. The series doesn't even start with Batman's origin story; instead, it introduces us to the character of Man-Bat, just another one of Batman's colossal rogues' gallery.

Batman provides a brilliant showcase of voice acting, particularly among its many wonderful villains. Of course, Kevin Conroy's voice is now iconic, the true Batman voice to many a fan. And, while Heath Ledger's grungy performance seems to have monopolized most viewers' visions of the Joker, my favorite incarnation is still the one voiced by Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill. He plays a Joker who is funny when he needs to be, but always a bit unsettling. Another highlight for me is Ron Perlman as Clayface, a villain who I didn't even know that well before watching the show, but who, like many Bat-enemies, is wonderfully developed by the show's masterful writing.

Justice League Unlimited

Another classic from the Timmverse. I haven't watched many episodes of the show, nor do I have a great knowledge of most of its characters, but that's okay. The show has an uncanny ability to introduce characters who you didn't know going into the episode, and by the end of the twenty minutes, you'll have fallen in love with these heroes.

An episode that impressed me with lesser-known heroes was "Hawk and Dove." I just loved the dynamic between these two brothers, one a right-wing firecracker, and the other a leftist pacifist, and how they had to reconcile their differences to save the day, with a little help from Wonder Woman. Another favorite episode is "For the Man Who Has Everything," in which we get a glimpse at the life Kal-El wishes he could have. It's a story that blends exciting action with deep characterization, something which the show accomplishes on a regular basis.

The Spectacular Spider-Man

Okay, I only watched one episode of Ultimate Spider-Man, and maybe it's gotten good since then, but what I saw was basically Family Guy, constantly breaking up the story to present some loosely-connected gag. I didn't want to watch Family Guy; I wanted to watch Spider-Man.

The Spectacular Spider-Man WAS Spider-Man. Premium, grade-A Spider-Man. There seems to be a popular perception that Peter Parker is meant to be in high school, but I don't believe that he necessarily needs to be guarding his lunch money from Flash Thompson for the stories to work. I think it is completely possible to tell a good Spider-Man story outside of high school. That being said, Spectacular Spider-Man did this iconic period of Peter Parker's life as well as any cartoon could. We saw his girl problems mixed with his superhero exploits, and God, were those superhero exploits beautiful! I don't think I've ever seen Spidey's web-slinging animated quite as well as it was in this show. Yeah, the cartoon from the 90s was vomiting comic book continuity all over the animation cels, but the animation was a bit sluggish and unimpressive. With this show, I really felt like I was watching Spider-Man; the animators captured the spirit of the character through his motion and energy.

Spectacular Spider-Man was short-lived, but it shall never be forgotten. Swing on, Spidey.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (The New One)

Okay, so I was very young when I watched the original Ninja Turtles cartoon, and I never really watched the one that premiered on the Fox Box, so if I totally got the best Ninja Turtles series wrong, I'm sorry. Regardless, there is one thing I know for certain, and that is how consistently entertaining the new CGI-animated show on Nickelodeon is.

The tone is primarily light-hearted, since it is broadcast on the "first kids' network," but that doesn't stop the writing from going into some darker territory with its storylines. In one episode, we see Splinter's nightmare of the four turtles being annihilated by the Shredder, and it is played completely straight. The comedy is also often genuinely funny. Some of my favorite parts are the clips of the parody-Star-Trek cartoon that Leonardo watches in the sewer. These segments act as fun little comedy bits which also help to highlight the themes and emotional conflicts of their respective episodes. The second season replaces these segments with a fictional superhero anime, which is also plenty of fun.

When I watched the first trailer for the show, I felt a bit conflicted about the animation style, but having watched the series, I can't imagine it being done any other way. The character designs are spot-on with each turtle having a slightly different build from the others. Clever uses of lighting and anime influences give the show a dynamic style, distinct from any other version of the Turtles.

Tiger & Bunny

Here is a Japanese anime that understands the idealism of superheroes better than any Hollywood film that came out in the last year. Tiger & Bunny is a 25-episode series set in an alternate version of New York City, where superheroes perform acts of heroism for a live television game show, competing to become "King of Heroes." With commercialism taking over the superhero profession, the heroes wear costumes with corporate logos printed on top of them.

Such a premise sounds like it would lead to a scathing critique of the superhero. Yet, while it deconstructs certain elements of the genre, Tiger & Bunny also shows plenty of love for superheroes and reminds us of what they are supposed to do, that being rescuing people. The stand-out of the show is Kotetsu, aka "Wild Tiger." A man past his prime, he is chastised for the amount of property damage he causes in his line of work. But, unlike the Nolan-Goyer-Snyder version of Superman, Kotetsu is always focused on protecting his fellow citizens from harm. The show also uses the superhero genre masterfully to comment on what it means to get older. The second half of the series follows Kotetsu as he tries to decide what direction to take his life in as his superhero edge fades away. Occasionally dipping into darker territory, the show never abandons its overall tone of hopefulness, and it serves as a reminder of why we all loved superheroes in the first place.

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Well, they're they are. My favorite superhero cartoons. What's that? You want to tell me my list is wrong? Okay, fancy-pants. Why don't you go to the comments section and explain why your favorite cartoons are so special? No, seriously, I'd love reader feedback.

The Films I Saw In 2013 Summarized In One Sentence Each

To be honest, I didn't see two of these films until this past week, but they came out in 2013, so I shall stick to the title.

So, 2013 was a... mostly unremarkable year for cinema. There were definitely some gems toward the end, but as hard as I try, and being someone who hasn't made his way through the city's various theaters, I actually haven't tried hard at all, I'm not a hip, indie kid (the most indie film on this list ended up being a rental for me). I was raised by the big-budget blockbusters, and if the summer season doesn't produce one masterpiece, then my whole view of the year is affected for the slightly more negative.

So, what follows is my views on the movies I saw this year, summarized as concisely as possible. Keep in mind that I didn't see every movie that came out this year; I never do. But, I saw some of them. If anyone's interested in having me go more-in-depth with any of these films, feel free to mention it in the comments. I had begun to write a more through run-down of the year's superhero films, which I can still finish if people are interested. But for now, sit back, pop some popcorn (or not; isn't popcorn a little over the top for an article that will take five seconds to read?). And, enjoy my take on the films of 2013!

Oz the Great and Powerful

It's basically a dumber X-Men: First Class if you mix Mystique's skin tone with the color yellow.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

It failed to live up to my expectations from the first film, and, oh crap, did I just admit to liking the first G.I. Joe movie?

Iron Man 3

Ben Kingsley's autobiographical film masquerades as another Iron Man movie.

Mud

I thought it was good, but I can't say I agree with the critical consensus that it was Jesus shitting gold upon a piece of celluloid; it was probably shot on digital.

Star Trek Into Darkness

COOOOONNNN-trary to many fanboys, I thought this film's pros outweighed its COOOOOONNNNNNSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man of Steel

Fuck you, Pa Kent.

Monsters University

If that image doesn't tug at your heartstrings, tell grandpa Satan I said "hi."

Grown Ups 2

I was debating whether this list should include movies that I saw in my nightmares.

Pacific Rim

I've looked the film's cast up on both Wikipedia and IMDB, and I still don't know who played Gendo Ikari.

The World's End

My sister scolded me for taking the family to see this movie, but I was glad to finally get my revenge for that time she took us to see The Proposal.

The Wolverine

I like to imagine that Jackman's friendly-guy persona is just a role he takes on for the press, and that he's  actually playing himself in these X-Men movies.

Elysium

Speak into that megaphone; I can't hear your political statement!

Kick-Ass 2

This film was condemned by the best part of this film.

Rush

I absolutely loved the new Thor movie!

Thor: The Dark World

Never mind.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

I will now be picking fights with tween fangirls over the opening night seats for the next film.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

I still don't think this needed to be three epic-length films, but... dragon.

American Hustle

Who knew this guy would work so well with that guy?

Frozen

BEST X-MEN MOVIE EVER!!!!!!!!!

....

Okay, so that wasn't the most in-depth analysis of the year in film that you'll find on the internet. Also, it has little to do with comics, so why is it on a blog called "KAS Reads Comics?" Well, I thought I'd try to lure a few extra readers in by talking about a medium that people in the English-speaking world still pay attention to. Selling out on the fourth blog post: isn't that special? Some of the movies are based on comic books, and two of the others are X-Men films according to myself, so get out of my face.

Have a fantastic evening, and may 2014 bring a wonderful batch of new films!