Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, directed by Jonathan Liebesman, and produced by Michael Bay, is a low point for a franchise that has recently experienced a wonderful revival in comics and animation. The live-action/CGI film is plagued by poorly-fleshed-out villains, questionable character designs, an inconsistent tone, useless human characters, Will Arnett staring at Megan Fox's ass for a cheap gag in the middle of an intense action sequence (don't act like you weren't expecting that), obvious rewrites, numerous plot-holes, a lackluster tie-in rap song, awkward direction (including some of the most pointless shaky cam this side of Man of Steel), a Baxter Stockman cameo that I totally missed, and possibly the stupidest take on the characters' origin I have ever seen.
I didn't hate it.
Okay, I know I'm supposed to despise this film. As I stated above, there are many things about the new TMNT movie that suck, and I'm not going to try to convince you that they don't suck.
But... those Turtles.
Yes, they're too towering and bulky to be effective agents of stealth. Yes, they have those terrifying nostrils that are surely the portals to hell. But, they are still the Ninja Turtles that I know. Leo is still the dedicated leader. Donnie is still the computer whiz. Mikey is a total goof, and Raph will still throw you against the wall if you give him that dirty stare. Splinter has that weird Fu Manchu mustache, but you can still call him dad.
This movie may have not been good by traditional standards of quality, but whenever the "heroes in a half-shell" were in the film, they lit up the screen. The movie's greatest crime was waiting too long to give us the Turtles. We spend the first twenty or so minutes (I didn't time it), watching April O'Neill wandering around and... I don't even remember what she was doing. As many people feared, Megan Fox's performance is a bit wooden, but I can't give her the full blame for the movie's first act. At the beginning, April O'Neill seems to be the only part of the film that takes the idea of talking turtles with ninja weapons seriously. Every other part of the movie seems to be asking you, "isn't the idea of Ninja Turtles ridiculous?" As someone who has totally bought into the concept, this barrage of audience-winking really pissed me off.
Once the Ninja Turtles become a visible presence, the film starts to embrace its surreal premise. With my favorite characters stepping onto center stage, I began to feel something that resembled fun. I mentioned earlier in this review how the take on the heroes' origin rubbed me the wrong the way. I didn't think the Turtles needed to be connected to April's childhood, and I was almost certain that Kung Fu Hustle deconstructed the idea of learning martial arts from a book ten years ago. With those complaints out of the way, I actually enjoyed the montage of the Turtles as little kids. The fact that the heroes were little tykes not too long ago made it much easier to believe that they were teenagers in the present.
The filmmakers were wise enough to make sure the Turtles' famous brotherly dynamic made it into the film, with the climax containing two fairly touching moments of sibling bonding. We also get a thrilling chase scene down a snowy mountain; the sequence has an edge over any of the action scenes in the Transformers movies, because I actually have an emotional attachment to the CGI characters falling down the hill.
Speaking of the Transformers series and their infamous maestro, I guess I should say how I think this film compares to Michael Bay's magnum crapus. My verdict: the new Ninja Turtles movie has plenty of flaws, but it's not the face-to-palm adhesive that six hours of robot testicles, indistinguishable robots, and Sam's annoying parents is. I've seen some reviewers mention that they would have rather just gone all out on Bay and have him direct the Turtles as well. However, I do not take that same position. When I think back to those Transformers sequels (I actually like the first film), I don't remember them as being "so bad, they were good." Dogs humping on the Witwickys' lawn wasn't so bad, it was good. The racist twin robots weren't so bad, they were good. Ken Jeong assaulting Shia LaBeouf in the bathroom was not so bad, it was good. These things were just bad, a steaming pile of crap that caused me to cringe until I couldn't cringe no more. In many ways, Ninja Turtles is also a pile of crap, but there are a few diamonds hiding in the pile of crap, those diamonds being the titular characters.
If you've never cared for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, then this movie will do nothing to change your mind. If you actually have a soul and love the reptillian warriors of the night, then you should still wait to rent the film. I'd be lying if I said it was worth today's rising ticket prices.
But, fuck it. The movie has Ninja Turtles in it. I love Ninja Turtles. Deal with it.
This review is dedicated to Robert Matthew Van Winkle, better known by his stage name, Vanilla Ice. Yes, I know he isn't dead, but good movie theme songs are. "Shell-Shocked" my ass.
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